His needs/Her needs?

My husband wasn't reading books about my needs. And he wasn't taking my cues either. He didn't seem the least interested in what I wanted. In fact, he seemed dead set against it! It was so frustrating and I felt totally unseen.

How do you get what you need and want?

Do you ask, complain, argue the point, subtly suggest?

I did. For years. It was the only thing I had at the time. But it wasn’t working. 

In  the bad old days, I used to cringe when I’d hear my husband inviting  people over or cramming our schedules so packed that I knew we wouldn’t  be able to squeeze in family time or a date night. I’d complain and  plead and criticize, thinking this would give him the information he  needed to be able to give me the precious intimate connection I was  craving. I felt so disconnected. I felt so sorry for my son who only got  bits and pieces of a father.

My  attempts to “show him the way” did the opposite of what I wanted. They  repelled him. He invited more people any time he was home. He was gone  from the house more. When we were together, it never felt right. “We  can’t handle being together so often…” he’d tell me after a weekend of  fighting.

For years I kept on in  this way until my coach helped me realize what my tactics were  producing: less family time and less intimate connection. And that  underneath all my tries to get what I wanted was control. Of another  person. And that control and intimacy can’t coexist.

So  I’d try to say it sweetly, that I needed some family time. And one day  he said, “I wanted to spend time with you..but not now, not like that!”

Ugh. He smelled the control underneath my nice words.

Well,  I had nothin’ to lose, so I began to experiment with the one thing I’d  never tried: truly relinquishing control of how he wanted to spend his  time.

When he asked me if we  could take 10 kids to the swimming pool on our one day off, I said,  “Whatever you think.” This felt scary and new.

What happened? We went to the pool with 10 kids on our one day off.

BUT no intimacy was lost and we had a great day. Our family was together, loving these other 10 kids. I felt so…connected.

One  day he came home from work and immediately took a large group of kids  out to the street to play. I’d been practicing now for a while. I didn’t  even need to control it and decided instead to join in the fun. I went  out to the street and he yelled, “There’s my wife come to visit me!  That’s my favorite…”

At this point my husband hadn’t changed…but I was changing. And I was starting to get something I’d been wanting so badly.

When  I felt the control was really gone, I knew I was in a good position to  express a pure desire. “I would love some family time,” I’d say, and  smile happily and leave it at that.

When I stopped controlling my husband’s time, the air around us relaxed and made space for him to choose.

I  will never forget the day I heard him on the phone. Someone needed him.  He said, “No. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything else today. I need to be  with my family. It’s really important.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.

Now he finds more time and occasion for our family and for me than ever  before. He comes home to have lunch with me everyday. He shuts the house  down for whole days and calls them days of rest for the family. No  amount of control could ever have gotten me that result.

So what is it that you want?

Are you willing to experiment with relinquishing control?

And when you feel you’ve really shed that ugly control, how will your pure desire sound??