Why do you only coach women? Doesn’t the man need to change, too?

It’s true that both partners in an unhappy marriage need to change in order to create a happy one.

But a marriage isn’t two separate people acting independently—it’s a shared dance. Each person’s actions shape the dynamic, which then shapes the other person.

So when one partner changes their steps, the dance itself has to change. When I interact with my husband differently, the relationship can’t stay the same, because at least 50% of the old pattern is disrupted.

If I want to create something new in our relationship, focusing on my behavior accelerates that process because this is within my control. Focusing on what my husband needs to change is counter-productive because I can’t control my husband’s behavior. Even when when I try, it usually doesn’t work, and I don’t like the process.

When I shift my own behavior— cleaning up my side of the street, showing up happy, practicing gratitude, letting go of control and learning to trust—a different man emerges, and usually immediately.

Focusing on myself through the Six Intimacy Skills transformed our relationship faster and more effectively than anything I had tried before. And I watch that happen in my clients again and again, like clockwork, when they choose to stop waiting around and instead start the process of change themselves.

We tried counseling and it didn’t work, why would this be any different?

If you've been to traditional couples counseling and it hasn't worked or it made things worse, you are not alone.

I have many dear friends and family members who are couples’ counselors and they are some of the best people I know. They usually care so much and counseling “not working” has nothing to do with their intentions or wisdom.

The reason traditional couples counseling made things worse for my husband and I, and for many of my clients, was because of the approach.

We went hoping for relief, but weekly sessions spent re-hashing months or years of resentment ended up growing the pain instead of easing it. When old wounds were stirred without a new way to connect in that moment, defensiveness took over— which actually blocked accountability and forgiveness—and left us further apart than when we came.

What’s unique about coaching with the Six Intimacy Skills?

• Grounded in concrete actions for the present and a vision for the future, not in past hurts

• Promotes accountability, not blaming

• Focuses not on hashing out problems, but on practicing Intimacy Skills that transform problems into connection and intimacy

• Assumes that one person can initiate and influence change

• And, as Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coaches, we operate from personal transformation and daily practice of the Skills

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/state-of-marriage/

What ARE the Six Intimacy Skills?

Self Care

Restore Respect

Relinquish Inappropriate Control

Gratitude

Receive Graciously

Vulnerability