My Toxic Marriage: the best thing that ever happened to me

My husband can't take me sharing a different opinion.

He has an anger problem.

I am embarrassed to say it, but he's not attracted to me.

He’s blames me for everything.

These are all things I said to close friends and family members in the bad old days of my marriage.

And they said they were sorry. They said they saw it too. They got angry for me. They said things to my husband. They encouraged me to consider boundaries, counseling, and books...for my husband.

But in all the years that I went to my friends and family talking about my husband, nothing changed. In fact, I began to feel even more hopeless, because people that I respected saw the same things I did. So now I just had confirmation: a happy family and intimate marriage was impossible for me.

But then one day I asked Google, "What do I do if my husband isn't attracted to me?" and for the first time in all my years of marriage, I didn't get confirmation. Laura Doyle popped up in a blog and she asked, without asking, Would you be willing to tell me the part of the story you left out?

She was talking about respect in a way that I just knew I didn't have it for my husband. For years I'd been trying to help him understand how to be a father, a husband, a son-in-law, a Christian, an equal house-cleaner, an appropriate joke-maker. I realized as I read that blog that I'd left out a whole half, or more, of the story. Not only for others, but for myself. I had deceived myself.

And leaving out all my part of the story was the very thing keeping me in this toxic relationship. 

But with the emotional strength of a whole community of women and a new set of Skills, I found the courage to try out letting go of my old spin on the story and picking up the only part of things I had control over: my own.

It was scary to trust the process at first, but Laura was promising me that if I would go this journey of telling the whole story and be open to learning what respect really looks like in all the areas that I'd disrespected my husband, my toxic marriage would end, and a happy, peaceful, intimate one would begin.

And that's precisely what happened. When I told the whole story, God began to heal me. And then my marriage started changing without me trying. And I couldn't keep telling the same stories about my husband because he was changing.

Don't throw out your toxic marriage. It's the biggest gift you never wanted, and God wants to use it to give you a life you can't now imagine.

Don't throw out your husband. There is a good guy in there. And he can come back quicker than you think.

If you'd like to journey with a community of brave women who are ending their toxic relationships and starting new ones with the same man, join us for our next section of Winter Group Coaching focused on Laura Doyle's Six Intimacy Skills.

I can't wait to meet you!

https://www.marriagecoachingwithsage.com/services-store/p/basic-service-5tdyg

Gender Equality is Killing Your Marriage

"This is so unfair! You get to do whatever you want and I just have to be the housemaid!"

I was shouting..and banging pots and pans around for effect.

Why are men so lazy? 

AND selfish?

Why does it ALL FALL ON ME???

My husband leaned further back in the recliner and continued watching Harry Potter on his phone. It's slightly embarrassing to share the scene, and yet I know I am not alone in this experience. It only makes sense why women are wanting equality!

While complaining was my main go-to, I tried other things. 

Like saying, "Can you sweep the floor while I put away the dishes?" Or, "Sarah's husband is amazing...he does ALL of the laundry, and takes care of the kids, AND adores her!"

Like writing out a list of all the things I was responsible for and the THING he was responsible for and giving it to him. Like bringing up the topic humorously at a dinner party to try to get some back-up. Like stacking all of his dirty dishes on his part of the table and cleaning the entire rest of the kitchen.

I tried it all, but I gotta tell you all it got me was less help and more disconnection, not to mention overwhelm, and seething resentment.

Oddly enough, even though these approaches didn't "work", I kept trying them...for years...hoping for different results.

But do you know the strangest part? 

I had been taught to want something I didn't actually want in the end.

I thought I wanted equal rights and responsibilities. I even thought I wanted him to suffer, just like I was suffering.

When I found Laura Doyle, my marriage mentor, and she talked about what her marriage looked like, it took my breath away.

It was less like business bargaining and more like a couple who had just fallen in love. 

When you're in love, there's no score-keeping. There's no resentment. There's no NEED to negotiate equal responsibility. These things are totally arbitrary when you're in love.

Think about it...you remember what that was like, right?

Your husband just did things for you, effortlessly, because he wanted to please you.You enjoyed cooking together, it was FUN to keep house together, he loved picking you up from work, it was just plain delightful! And you felt taken care of, adored, and relaxed.

Everything in the list above describes my relationship now...with the same man who was glued to his phone and the lazy-boy. I learned what to do to bring that delightful dynamic back and it wasn't at all as hard as I thought. 

So I'm writing today because you don't have to settle for gender equality negotiations in your marriage.

There is so much more.

I'd love to jump on a call with you to see what's possible.

Click the link below to book a time:

https://tidycal.com/marriagecoachingwithsage/free-discovery-call-relationship-assessment

--

Sage Frese

Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

Annihilate that Age-old Argument

Do you have a recurring argument or pain point in your marriage? 

Ugh! It’s awful. It’s so infuriating, hurtful, and lonely. But what if all it takes is you doing something different on your end?

Go with me for a minute: What's the recurring theme?

And what’s your perspective on it?

I invite you to just begin to become aware of your part of the pattern.

It may seem like I don't know how bad things are for you. But things have been bad for me and they can return to bad whenever I repeat my side of the pattern and expect a different outcome.

I used to feel constantly hurt by my husband.

Here's an example. If I dropped a glass and broke it, he'd say something like, "Can't you use your brain?!"

(Enter my side of the dynamic). I'd say, "That is so hurtful! Can't you give some grace!? Look at all I'm doing around here. If you'd help me out a little bit I wouldn't have to be moving so fast!!"

And then the snowball would REALLY pick up speed and we'd all the sudden be talking about something that happened five years ago and we'd be in a State of the Union Address and afterwards we'd be all beat up and cowering in our separate corners of the house.

Well, I just broke two glasses yesterday. One, and then while I was moving the table to get to the broken pieces, the other one. With the first, my husband yelled from the other room, "What's going on in there??" And with the second he yelled, "Sage! Can't you be more careful!?"

Well our pattern was juuuuuust about to get going. But while I love a good ride, I stayed on the ground yesterday.

How? I noticed what I would typically be thinking. 

Something like, 

"You're so mean and you don't care." 

And underneath that:

"I'm such a stupid idiot."

And I just simply did something different. I went to self-care and I let out a few tears surrounding that feeling of being a stupid idiot. And I talked to myself, I talked the truth of God into myself. I said, "He doesn't want to hurt you. And when your dad was harsh with you, he didn't want to hurt you." I even sent my husband a text message that said, "I know you don't want to hurt me. Thank you for standing for my greatness - I want to be a careful person, too!"

And I just let the emotion rise and fall.

And pretty soon, my husband had me in his arms and we were laughing before I knew it. No intimacy lost. The sting just moved right on out. I didn't say anything I regretted. I didn't verbally punch my husband and have him wanting to punch me back. I even felt tenderly toward him, who I remembered loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I even felt the love my DAD has for me, knowing that he didn't want to hurt me in my childhood. 

Wow. This is a much preferred pattern. THIS I want to repeat. This I want to go further with and heal with and stand up in.

SO. What about you. 

I'd love to invite you to jot down what you typically do in the challenge and what you'd like to experiment with instead. 

Is it a new thought? Is it a new action? Or is it just not acting? Duct-taping? Is it running out of the building that's on fire and instead dancing in the kitchen to Sia? Do something different. And just see what happens...

If your husband isn't attracted to you, try this

Your husband's lack of attraction to you probably has less to do with how you look and more to do with...(wait for it)...

Your lack of attraction to him.

Huh?

What are you talking about, Sage? I'm attracted to my husband and what does that matter anyway!?

Let me tell you. The way you see your husband, which will then determine the way you treat your husband, has a direct effect on his attraction to you.

How do I know that? Because my husband told me two weeks into our marriage that he'd lost all attraction to me and I tried for five years to become "attractive". Physically.  And then I stopped doing that and learned what to do instead and my  husband's attraction came back. Big time:).

It  all started one night when I typed it into google, this problem that  seemed out of my control. And up popped Laura Doyle. And a blog in which she talked about the greatest killer of attraction for men: disrespect. 

But...I did respect my husband!

I used to tell him this often...Usually when I was in desperate need of his time, attention, affection...or maybe just a look in the eye!? He'd give me some kind of confusing information about not feeling respected by me. Thus, my mantra: "I do respect you!"

I'd list off the ways I respected him. 

But I remember the feeling. I really was digging. Because truth be told, I didn't respect him. He'd proven I couldn't in nearly every area of life.

And there was nothing I could do about that.  I couldn't force myself to feel respect for someone who was not respectable. 

It felt so deeply hopeless. Here we were, in a loveless marriage, the man didn't love the woman and the woman didn't respect the man. Those were the facts. At that time, I had no idea that one had anything to do with the other.

I had no idea that the fact that I didn't respect Samuel had everything to do with me not feeling loved. I had no idea that Samuel not feeling respected had everything to do with him not loving me.

And Laura was saying that thing, about me, had everything to do with our problem. Actually, I wasn't attracted to my husband.

To  his way of parenting. To his way of seeing God and the world. To his  way of communicating. To his jokes. To his past-times. To the way he  communicated with my mama!! I wasn't attracted. Wasn't impressed. Felt down-right superior. I felt nearly no respect for him.

But...what could I do about it? I couldn't just snap my fingers and make myself feel differently...

With coaching I saw that I had much more power than I thought over my perspective, which determined how I treated him, which had a direct effect on his attraction to me.

If  you'd like help with this, if you want to feel desired and adored, I'd  love to support you.

Eve, be gone!

My story is as old as Eve.

“You  are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from  the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you  will certainly die.”

Here’s an ancient story of a woman. And she’s told that she can have paradise. And she’s told precisely how.

The  Biblical authors were literary geniuses. Right in the middle of  paradise there’s a tree. There’s something that looks like what I want   and is quickly taken  in hand. They’re saying I won’t notice that it’s  nasty and deadly. That I can’t cross from one side to the other of the  garden (or any situation) without having it in view. And they’re saying  I’m being lied to. Constantly.

They’re  saying that these little lies, little suggestions, are putting into  question the character of the Gardener.  And that maybe this really is  the best option for getting what I want.

And  then, “This shouldn't be happening to you. This is totally unfair. It’s  heartbreaking what you have to deal with. He doesn't understand you.  Punish him. You hate him. He's an idiot. He's a terrible father. He's so  immature. He's the most sensitive person in the world. He makes it  impossible for you to be who you want to be."

It’s a brilliant story. It got me every time.

“Take the fruit.”

I took and I ate.

I  took and ate the shortest route to my desire: criticism, un-forgivness,  complaint, demand, control, self-pity, judgment, hatred, resentment,  bitterness. I hated my husband in moments with a burning hatred.

And I just didn’t even make the connection that the fruit I was biting into was poisoning me. I was about to die.  

His needs/Her needs?

My husband wasn't reading books about my needs. And he wasn't taking my cues either. He didn't seem the least interested in what I wanted. In fact, he seemed dead set against it! It was so frustrating and I felt totally unseen.

How do you get what you need and want?

Do you ask, complain, argue the point, subtly suggest?

I did. For years. It was the only thing I had at the time. But it wasn’t working. 

In  the bad old days, I used to cringe when I’d hear my husband inviting  people over or cramming our schedules so packed that I knew we wouldn’t  be able to squeeze in family time or a date night. I’d complain and  plead and criticize, thinking this would give him the information he  needed to be able to give me the precious intimate connection I was  craving. I felt so disconnected. I felt so sorry for my son who only got  bits and pieces of a father.

My  attempts to “show him the way” did the opposite of what I wanted. They  repelled him. He invited more people any time he was home. He was gone  from the house more. When we were together, it never felt right. “We  can’t handle being together so often…” he’d tell me after a weekend of  fighting.

For years I kept on in  this way until my coach helped me realize what my tactics were  producing: less family time and less intimate connection. And that  underneath all my tries to get what I wanted was control. Of another  person. And that control and intimacy can’t coexist.

So  I’d try to say it sweetly, that I needed some family time. And one day  he said, “I wanted to spend time with you..but not now, not like that!”

Ugh. He smelled the control underneath my nice words.

Well,  I had nothin’ to lose, so I began to experiment with the one thing I’d  never tried: truly relinquishing control of how he wanted to spend his  time.

When he asked me if we  could take 10 kids to the swimming pool on our one day off, I said,  “Whatever you think.” This felt scary and new.

What happened? We went to the pool with 10 kids on our one day off.

BUT no intimacy was lost and we had a great day. Our family was together, loving these other 10 kids. I felt so…connected.

One  day he came home from work and immediately took a large group of kids  out to the street to play. I’d been practicing now for a while. I didn’t  even need to control it and decided instead to join in the fun. I went  out to the street and he yelled, “There’s my wife come to visit me!  That’s my favorite…”

At this point my husband hadn’t changed…but I was changing. And I was starting to get something I’d been wanting so badly.

When  I felt the control was really gone, I knew I was in a good position to  express a pure desire. “I would love some family time,” I’d say, and  smile happily and leave it at that.

When I stopped controlling my husband’s time, the air around us relaxed and made space for him to choose.

I  will never forget the day I heard him on the phone. Someone needed him.  He said, “No. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything else today. I need to be  with my family. It’s really important.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.

Now he finds more time and occasion for our family and for me than ever  before. He comes home to have lunch with me everyday. He shuts the house  down for whole days and calls them days of rest for the family. No  amount of control could ever have gotten me that result.

So what is it that you want?

Are you willing to experiment with relinquishing control?

And when you feel you’ve really shed that ugly control, how will your pure desire sound??