Gender Equality is Killing Your Marriage

"This is so unfair! You get to do whatever you want and I just have to be the housemaid!"

I was shouting..and banging pots and pans around for effect.

Why are men so lazy? 

AND selfish?

Why does it ALL FALL ON ME???

My husband leaned further back in the recliner and continued watching Harry Potter on his phone. It's slightly embarrassing to share the scene, and yet I know I am not alone in this experience. It only makes sense why women are wanting equality!

While complaining was my main go-to, I tried other things. 

Like saying, "Can you sweep the floor while I put away the dishes?" Or, "Sarah's husband is amazing...he does ALL of the laundry, and takes care of the kids, AND adores her!"

Like writing out a list of all the things I was responsible for and the THING he was responsible for and giving it to him. Like bringing up the topic humorously at a dinner party to try to get some back-up. Like stacking all of his dirty dishes on his part of the table and cleaning the entire rest of the kitchen.

I tried it all, but I gotta tell you all it got me was less help and more disconnection, not to mention overwhelm, and seething resentment.

Oddly enough, even though these approaches didn't "work", I kept trying them...for years...hoping for different results.

But do you know the strangest part? 

I had been taught to want something I didn't actually want in the end.

I thought I wanted equal rights and responsibilities. I even thought I wanted him to suffer, just like I was suffering.

When I found Laura Doyle, my marriage mentor, and she talked about what her marriage looked like, it took my breath away.

It was less like business bargaining and more like a couple who had just fallen in love. 

When you're in love, there's no score-keeping. There's no resentment. There's no NEED to negotiate equal responsibility. These things are totally arbitrary when you're in love.

Think about it...you remember what that was like, right?

Your husband just did things for you, effortlessly, because he wanted to please you.You enjoyed cooking together, it was FUN to keep house together, he loved picking you up from work, it was just plain delightful! And you felt taken care of, adored, and relaxed.

Everything in the list above describes my relationship now...with the same man who was glued to his phone and the lazy-boy. I learned what to do to bring that delightful dynamic back and it wasn't at all as hard as I thought. 

So I'm writing today because you don't have to settle for gender equality negotiations in your marriage.

There is so much more.

I'd love to jump on a call with you to see what's possible.

Click the link below to book a time:

https://tidycal.com/marriagecoachingwithsage/free-discovery-call-relationship-assessment

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Sage Frese

Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach