“Don’t ask me for help with the kids for a whole month!”
My husband said that once.
I felt utterly alone...and infuriated!
I had a job and the kids and the house and I could make a list a mile long of all the things that were on my plate.
It felt like my husband got to do whatever he wanted while I took care of the whole world. Plus, our daughter wasn't letting me sleep!
I'd try every morning to express a desire to sleep longer. But my husband would say something like, "You can try..." And then the kids would come find me five minutes later.
I'd say, "I just feel so overwhelmed by the dishes..." And my husband would say, "How is that overwhelming?"
I was constantly trying to figure out how to get him to help with housework, take the kids, or just put his phone down.
And underneath, I was just completely afraid that I wasn't going to get what I needed and wanted. That's always the case when I start trying to control that my husband show up for me. I'm sitting in fear and complaint.
Expectations = control = fear and complaint
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
St. Paul said that once. And he had the right to. To name a few of his challenges, he'd....been beaten, stoned, imprisoned multiple times, shipwrecked, hungry, betrayed and deserted, suffered illnesses, endured ridicule, slander, and opposition...
Give thanks in all circumstances.
But my husband was doing so little. Wouldn't gratitude send him the wrong message?
Give thanks in all circumstances.
St. Ignatius defined sin as, "The unwillingness to trust that what God wants for me is only my deepest happiness.”
Can acting rightly, no matter what's going on around me, truly lead to my deepest happiness?
Is that trust? Is that faith? Or is that just DUMB!?
I decided to do an experiment over the weekend. As one coach put it, I was going to, expect nothing and be grateful for everything.
Well ladies, the shift in our house was immediate and almost laughable, even though I didn't tell my husband about my experiment. He knows what's going on with me. My inner state sets the environment in our house, with or without words.
The day began by me simply staying in bed, saying nothing, and hearing my husband outside the door say, "Shhh. Let mama sleep."
The rest of the day included my husband taking the kids to a park for two hours, taking care of breakfast, doing the dishes, and letting me go on a walk all by myself.
And twice in the day when I was doing dishes my husband said, "Sage, don't you want to take a break?"
And here's the thing: This post is NOT about my husband's changes.
And it's not me saying, snap your fingers with this Intimacy Skill and you'll get everything you want. That's manipulation. That's not God's will for me. That won't ultimately make me happy.
God knows that my deepest happiness is in becoming a shining light, from the inside out. This is the change that creates a ripple effect of goodness.
What I'm trying to say is that letting go of the demand, of the fear underneath the demand that I'm not going to get what I need and want, and instead choosing to trust and to count my blessings rather than my curses hold immense spiritual influence.
God is trying to help me out.
He knows it doesn't feel smart to let go of control when I am afraid.
He knows it doesn't feel natural to count up all the good when there's so much going wrong.
And he knows that this is the way to life.
So I'd like to ask you, what is it you need and want?
And how have you typically gone about getting those things?
Would you like to take on this experiment with me?
Expect nothing and give thanks in all circumstances.
You won't be sorry.
If you'd like to learn more about practicing these counter-intuitive paths toward life and joy, I'd love to connect.
Book a free call with me here:
https://tidycal.com/marriagecoachingwithsage/free-discovery-call-relationship-assessment
