Annihilate that Age-old Argument

Do you have a recurring argument or pain point in your marriage? 

Ugh! It’s awful. It’s so infuriating, hurtful, and lonely. But what if all it takes is you doing something different on your end?

Go with me for a minute: What's the recurring theme, argument, pain point? 

And what is it that you usually do? Or don't do? Or think? Or say?

I invite you to just begin to become aware of your part of the pattern.

It may seem like I don't know how bad things are for you. But things have been bad for me and they can return to bad whenever I repeat my side of the pattern and expect a different outcome.

I used to feel constantly hurt by my husband.

Here's an example. If I dropped a glass and broke it, he'd say something like, "Can't you use your brain?!"

(Enter my side of the dynamic). I'd say, "That is so hurtful! Can't you give some grace!? Look at all I'm doing around here. If you'd help me out a little bit I wouldn't have to be moving so fast!!"

And then the snowball would REALLY pick up speed and we'd all the sudden be talking about something that happened five years ago and we'd be in a State of the Union Address and afterwards we'd be all beat up and cowering in our separate corners of the house.

Well, I just broke two glasses yesterday. One, and then while I was moving the table to get to the broken pieces, the other one. With the first, my husband yelled from the other room, "What's going on in there??" And with the second he yelled, "Sage! Can't you be more careful!?"

Well our pattern was juuuuuust about to get going. But while I love a good ride, I stayed on the ground yesterday.

How? I noticed what I would typically be thinking. 

Something like, 

"You're so mean and you don't care." 

And underneath that:

"I'm such a stupid idiot."

And I just simply did something different. I went to self-care and I let out a few tears surrounding that feeling of being a stupid idiot. And I talked to myself, I talked the truth of God into myself. I said, "He doesn't want to hurt you. And when your dad was harsh with you, he didn't want to hurt you." I even sent my husband a text message that said, "I know you don't want to hurt me. Thank you for standing for my greatness - I want to be a careful person, too!"

And I just let the emotion rise and fall.

And pretty soon, my husband had me in his arms and we were laughing before I knew it. No intimacy lost. The sting just moved right on out. I didn't say anything I regretted. I didn't verbally punch my husband and have him wanting to punch me back. I even felt tenderly toward him, who I remembered loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I even felt the love my DAD has for me, knowing that he didn't want to hurt me in my childhood. 

Wow. This is a much preferred pattern. THIS I want to repeat. This I want to go further with and heal with and stand up in.

SO. What about you. 

I'd love to invite you to jot down what you typically do in the challenge and what you'd like to experiment with instead. 

Is it a new thought? Is it a new action? Or is it just not acting? Duct-taping? Is it running out of the building that's on fire and instead dancing in the kitchen to Sia? Do something different. And just see what happens...